Santa should be a penguin, Santa is going to die, and oral sex

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So, Aisha Harris at Slate wrote a couple days ago that the fat old white guy we know as Santa Clause is overdue a makeover that will end the shame experienced by kids of color who have been inundated with the imagery of a pale (racist) seasonal visitor, oh the horror.

Anyway, here is some of the stupid.

Yes, it is. And so I propose that America abandon Santa-as-fat-old-white-man and create a new symbol of Christmas cheer. From here on out, Santa Claus should be a penguin.

That’s right: a penguin.

“Why, you ask? For one thing, making Santa Claus an animal rather than an old white male could spare millions of nonwhite kids the insecurity and shame that I remember from childhood. Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, Santa is one of the first iconic figures foisted upon you: He exists as an incredibly powerful image in the imaginations of children across the country (and beyond, of course). That this genial, jolly man can only be seen as white—and consequently, that a Santa of any other hue is merely a “joke” or a chance to trudge out racist stereotypes—helps perpetuate the whole “white-as-default” notion endemic to American culture (and, of course, not just American culture).”

That’s right: a penguin

Absurd, right? Not so fast racists, the super-smart kids of America will be totes on board with this brave and groundbreaking new idea. You see, according to Ms. Harris, the steady diet of cartoons our soon to be low-information voters have been feasting on for years makes them just dumb enough to blindly accept any lefty blogger idiocy thrown at them

“Will kids have a harder time believing in Santa the Penguin—aka Penguin Claus—than in the fat white guy he’s replacing? I don’t think so. Kids are used to walking, talking bears and gigantic friendly birds. A penguin delivering gifts might even seem more feasible to them, since cartoons have primed them to consider such creatures fairly run of the mill.”

Read the rest of the post if you want, it doesn’t get any better or worse, it just stays dumb enough that it should have been mocked a little and forgotten.

In a perfect world it may have been forgotten but not on planet Earth where last night (it was dark and stormy) the “controversy” reached its apex when Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, and three white [read RACIST] guests seriously analyzed the isue on her show.

And that complete waste of time prompted more blogger gold from Ms. Harris where she broke the bad news to kids that Santa isn’t real and, among other things, said;

“I hoped the piece would come across as a little tongue-in-cheek, while at the same time expressing my real concern that America continues to promote the harmful idea of whiteness-as-default.”

So, is an evil white racist character who forces millions of non-white children to live a life of shame and insecurity a very real problem or is it simply fodder for tongue-in-cheek blog posts? Ms. Harris appears to be a tad conflicted.

I guess none of this makes any difference as long as she managed to get, even though she had to go around her elbow to get to her asshole to do it, a jab at the racists over at Fox News onto the web.

Seems all is good at Slate.

And by good I mean real good, better than shoe shopping good, finding a 20 dollar bill on the way to lunch good, an edgy Sarah Palin joke good, or eating chocolate good.

I mean the kind of good that might culminate with cutting-edge journalists yucking it up at the Slate secular winter holiday party over the mad Slate genius who managed to, against all odds, compare Paul Ryan to a teenage girl doing oral and anal in a serious political article.

Wonder who’s getting a winter bonus and double douche points for using a Norquist reference instead of relying on racism or a hilarious Rush Limbaugh fat joke?

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In other non-Slate Christmas news, Santa is apparently going to die in an icy grave if people all over the world don’t immediately agree to every crazy lefty idea imaginable to stop the global warming damage horrible humans are inflicting on the Earth, or something.

“Dear children, I regrettably bring bad tidings. For some time now, melting ice here in the North Pole has made our operations and our day-to-day life intolerable and impossible and there may be no alternative but to cancel Christmas,”

Hey Santa! How’s it feel to be a racist non-penguin now, dead man?

I get most of the rest of the year but, dear God everyone on the internet. Is Christmas really the time of year to go out of your way to make people not want to live on this planet anymore?

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